From Mourning to Evening

It was a time when I was trying to prove myself. I wanted to say to the world that I can reach my dreams. I begged to the Lord every night to make the next day safe and sound.

I was not contented to be Cum Laude because my roots was still not deep enough when I graduated in 2011. Having an Economics degree from U.P. Diliman U.P. School of Economics was great enough but I wanted more. So I worked myself out in discovering what I really can achieve. The reason is, when I was younger, I wanted to be a celebrity, or a Summa Cum Laude, or a beauty queen. Nothing less. But I ended up way too short from that goal because of my own flaws.

That time, I felt like my parents and my grand mother deserved something better after their struggle helping me with depression. But I was not able to give that to them.

Last 2013 I was inches away from proving I can also succeed remarkably, excellently, or beyond what I can explain or believe. I got a GWA in graduate school that is equivalent to that of a Summa Cum Laude’s, and I was thriving in other areas in life despite great financial and emotional struggles. From trying to manage a large family debt to dealing with depression and/or mania daily. Looking back, I am just left in awe of God’s work in my life, especially during those times.

But then of course, my world was shaken again when Mama Sol, my grandmother who raised me up passed away. It was not sudden but it broke my heart. Had I finished my thesis earlier, I could have shown her the fruit of my hard work. I could have shown them the medal I was not able to give her. I felt that inadequacy because of my longing for that great purpose I will be able to fulfill.

For almost two years now, my life has been floating in mid-air.

Now, as I am working for Save the Children Philippines, I am still trying to find my breakthrough. I want to finish my thesis soon. But I want to also be excellent at work and my ministry at church. I am seeking God again and how He has helped me during my darkest times. I know I am struggling with my immaturity. But, I want to hear His whisper again. Just like that sacred time when I was praying in my room crying and depressed praying I could study again up until the moment He has brought me to graduation day to get my college diploma. I want that breakthrough again.

I will wait upon you Lord until my 11th hour. I thirst for it.

I know very well that chasing daylight has always been thrilling with you. Please help me God. I thank you already for getting me through.






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